USING THE 4 Rs IN EVERYDAY RELATIONAL CONFLICT
A conversation with a colleague recently reminded me of a family activity that I love. I think it is something that we can even use with ourselves and within our everyday lives as we navigate the ups and downs of relationships.
I am currently going through a stressful time in life with balancing many positive changes all at once. As I ebb and flow with this, I am realizing that my mood and the way I approach others is shaped by this stress. I can be overly happy and excited, or in a space in which my mood is lower; I am tired, focused on the mountain of things I need to get done, or in a hurry and missing important moments in communication with my loved ones. I may be snappier, or struggle to communicate my needs; I am just not present with myself and therefore not present with others. When I am not communicating my needs, my needs are most likely not getting met, and then I am resentful at (you guessed it) … my partner! This is where conflict arises, seemingly out of nowhere.
When this happens, I bring myself to the 4 Rs: What I RESPECT about him, what I need to REQUEST from him, what I REGRET, and what I take RESPONSIBILITY for.
Heres a small breakdown:
1. I respect your work ethic and your excitement about the ways in which our lives are molding together. I respect who you are and love that you are with me and supportive of me and the ways I am growing.
2. What I request (or need) from you is to slow down at times and communicate with me with what is happening in your day, and what stresses you are holding. I want to know how I can show up for you. I also need you to check in with me.
3. What I regret is the way I spoke to you when we argued about that thing last weekend. My anger took control and I let my frustrations out in an unhealthy and unproductive way.
4. I take responsibility for responding in anger rather than listening for understanding. I also take responsibility for not clearly stating my needs to you and letting resentment build up.
…And this gives me a foundation for how I want to reconnect and rebuild from conflict with him. This allows me space to validate him, let him know what I need, and to reconcile my part in our conflict.
Relationships are about equilibrium between push and pull, give and take. They are a balancing act that require presence and patience. This is difficult, and anyone who tells you they do this perfectly is… well … I would like to meet them. We are all human.
Finding skills, outlets, or methods of breaking down your needs, understanding your partner’s or friends’ or co-workers’ needs, and a true look at what you may be able to do differently next time is a way to honor and regain that balance. I like to use the 4 Rs as a reminder of this and a map for working out conflict or communicating my needs while recognizing my part.
