If We Don’t Tell People How We Feel, How Will They Know?

I read this question the other day on a meme and it made me think about how we communicate to others how we feel. I don’t know about you but I grew up in a family where nobody really talked about how they really felt, at least not when we were younger. I also was someone who was very anxious and experienced a great deal of anxiety even telling someone what it was I wanted. I was always too scared of how they were going to react if they didn’t like what I had to say. I know that’s funny because now I’m a therapist.

All the years I have been a therapist, which is 20 now, I spend a lot of time talking with clients about the importance of letting people in their life know how they feel. What I have observed is a couple things: 1- most people expect the people in their lives to be mind readers 2- many people experience a great deal of anxiety around being vulnerable with the people closest to them 3- some people are on the opposite end of the spectrum and exert a great deal of rigidity around letting people know every single thought. Thinking by doing this they are telling people how they feel and 4- some people are able to take the risk and be honest with the people in their lives about how they think and what they feel. Ultimately what I think it comes down to is when we are truly vulnerable with someone and express honestly to them how we feel and what we’re thinking the real fear is will they love me anyway and/or will they stay and not leave. Here are a few tools I have learned as a therapist that have helped me and many clients be more vulnerable with the people in our lives.

Focus On Yourself First 

I have found it to be extremely effective for us to focus on only what’s happening in our bodies before we communicate to someone what it is that we’re experiencing. One way to do this is by asking yourself a few questions; what am I noticing right now that’s happening in my body? Are there any sensations that I notice? What sort of feelings am I noticing right now? What tells me this is a feeling I am experiencing? For example, how do I really know this is anger or anxiety? Once you’ve answered these questions then you can go to the people in your life and let them know this is what I’m feeling or this is what I am experiencing.

The Feelings Wheel 

If you’re finding that you’ve practiced the exercises above and you’re still unable to identify what it is you’re feeling then maybe it’s time to purchase a feelings wheel. You can go to https://feelingswheel.com/  or google feelings wheel chart and download. You can also purchase feeling wheel pillows, charts, banners, and more. 

As a therapist I love the feelings wheel because it offers a variety of different feelings under 7 feelings categories. It uses the feelings: Angry, Disgusted, Sad, Happy, Surprised, Bad, and Fearful.. One exercise I encourage you to practice is taking the feeling wheel and any time you notice your feelings activated or any sensation in your system looking at the feeling wheel and asking yourself which of these am I feeling right now?

The I Statements 

If you’ve been a part of counseling for a period of time you probably have heard of the I statements. If you haven’t, this can be an effective tool to use when you’re trying to communicate how you feel. It starts off by the person saying: When you (fill in the behavior).  I feel (be clear about what you feel) and what I need is (be clear about what it is that you need from that person or even what you may need from yourself). For example: 

John when you yell at me when I’m talk to you

I feel anxious and intimidated

I need you to please lower your voice and not yell at me

Find A Therapist

If you find practicing these exercises to be ineffective or challenging then it’s probably time to find a therapist you can work with. A therapist can really help you understand and clarify what’s happening and what you’re experiencing in the situations. It can also be really beneficial to have the experience of telling someone exactly how you feel who isn’t so closely related to you.

I’d love to hear how you’ve utilized these tools or what tools you find to be effective and helping people to know how you feel.